It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
You Might Also Like
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
💁🏻♂️
$4 #usedbooks
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.