This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
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Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.