18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
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RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
#SaturdayBears
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time