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barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
Otters see a butterfly.
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
Two types of dogs.
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan