Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
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i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay