Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
You Might Also Like
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago