Respect
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colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
There’s only one good girl here!
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
Nothing to do, you say?
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?