The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
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Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
I can’t be the only one 😂
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??