There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
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“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
Girl, same.