This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
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Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.