cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
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KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
Shoo shoo! 😂
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.