Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
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Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
This chloroform smells expensiv…
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory