I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
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“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
The funk soul brother
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!