me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
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*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.