that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
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If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.