My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
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marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend