murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
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Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
This is a whole mood;
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
We need to put an American base on the sun
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said