Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
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Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.