If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
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Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
🙂🐾
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
Go hard or stay average
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.