I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
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Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
Cndnsd Mlk
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.