Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
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Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
do what now??
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
best review i’ve ever seen
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”