Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
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don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
very niche meme I made
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.