What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
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Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
Print is alive and well!!!
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
People buying plungers never look happy.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.