Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
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This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!