*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
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I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water