HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
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Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.