One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
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Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
Ironic
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.