How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
You Might Also Like
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?