Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
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Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”