If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
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Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
as is their right
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!