Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
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Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
How can I say no to this ?
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms