Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
You Might Also Like
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
guys i’ve cracked the code
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.