the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
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My work here is done
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
My time has come.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
(Musicians.)
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?