Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
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If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.