My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
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Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
Good Morning.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
(more comics:
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.