Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
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[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old