Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
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After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
Every photo I’m tagged in
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.