90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
You Might Also Like
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo