“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
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Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”