He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
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WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.