Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
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[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos