My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
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When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.