Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
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Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
*pronounces surface like Versace*
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
Stonehinge
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory