This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
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On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
Florida be like…
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.