*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
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Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Why font matters.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing