5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
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I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other