I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
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If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
My birth announcement for our third baby
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.