[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
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Goodnight 🐶
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.