James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
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Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one