“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
You Might Also Like
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
She was REALLY feeling it.
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL